Can I be honest with you about something? I’ve really enjoyed not blogging these past couple of months. I’ve enjoyed not putting the pressure on myself, although really there has literally been no time between feeling sick and working during tax season.
This is what I will tell you about pregnancy so far though: it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The month of January and part of February? I have never felt so miserable in my life for such a long time. And now that it is March and spring is coming, I look back on this winter and I really wonder how I survived (the answer, honestly, is a wonderful husband). But the day where I was so close to going to the hospital until I finally was able to keep the anti-nausea medicine down…why did I think I should go to work that afternoon? If there was any time to take a sick day, that would have seemed to be it. And yet I can’t explain the logic that was going through my head. I guess I just knew I had to survive, and surviving meant going about life whether I wanted to or not.
I’m still not liking food very much, but I am getting back to cooking a bit here and there instead of declaring every night as “fend for yourself” night (in which I would go upstairs and shut the bedroom door while Gerrit heated himself something for dinner or toasted a sandwich).
But I can feel that Spring is here, both in my physical body and in my spirit. I have been reading again, and writing a bit. I have most of my energy back and can actually contribute to cleaning up the house now. I’ve started writing in my planner again, which helps me to at least have the illusion that things are under control. I don’t know how I survived not feeling like a human being during January and February, much less during the dark and dread of such a cold winter, but I did. And I’m finally starting to breathe a bit of a sign of relief (even if I’m still having to take the anti-nausea medicine).
I’ve enjoyed the break I’ve had from this blog though, perhaps because it is helping me see things clearer. And while some people might come back from an almost three month blogging sabbatical with plans and posts ready to go, I am coming back with nothing. Because I have learned that is exactly what I want (right now at least).
I’m not sure how this blog is going to look in the coming months. I just want to go on record saying that. Now that I’m breathing some fresher air, I hope to back more often. But we’ll see. No schedule and no expectations (and I still don’t really love food). But I’m just coming back to say hi, that I haven’t disappeared, and that while I hope to be posting again, I have no expectations. I hope you’ll stick around anyway. We’ll see what happens.